ALERT ALERT ALERT
This is not a test of the emergency broadcast system.
OUTBREAK OUTBREAK OUTBREAK
Have any of your friends, family, or co-workers begun to display the following symptoms:
- Starting conversations in Elizabethan English, often with no apparent partner
- Moving in a dance-like motion while counting to the number eight
- Having intense urges to remodel a living room every three weeks
- Unavailable for social interaction on a nightly basis
If so, they may be suffering from a severe case of Insectum Theatrum – more commonly referred to as the Theatre Bug. Recent statistics list the infection rate in the United States alone at a staggering 14% – while many cases go undocumented.
While the average American is likely to catch a mild case of IT in their early years, most are immune to its effects by puberty: citing sports and poor arts funding as major deterrents. Major adult cases are still widely recorded throughout the country, though, with many sufferers being placed into quarantine in major cities, such as New York, Philadelphia, Chicago, Seattle, Atlanta, Los Angeles, and Washington, D.C.
After succumbing to the ailment, treatment varies depending on the severity of the infection. Children are more susceptible to the contagion, causing many more treatment options to be geared towards early adolescents. Many buildings within a community offer weekly courses to manage childhood manifestations of the disease. More importantly, these courses address specific aspects (such as dancing, memorization, etc.) in an effort to control potential outbreaks. Parents are encouraged to enroll infected children in a community group at the earliest chance.
If these symptoms persist into early adulthood, a “Community Theater” treatment center, or a “Regional Theater” center, may be better suited for disease assessment. These centers have the rare ability to offer a variety of treatment options, including group classes to encourage better management of symptoms. In rare cases, these centers may also be able alleviate the disease’s burden on the afflicted – providing funding for human necessities (i.e. food, shelter).
While some parts of the population are able to fully recover from Insectum Theatrum, many report the potential for outbreaks (much like the relationship between the Chicken Pox and Shingles). Reemerging symptoms can range from singing in the car to full blown relapse.
Others, still, report continued symptoms of the disease and continue to suffer well into their life. Luckily, many of today’s collegiate institutions offer services to address a sufferer’s needs.
If you or loved ones are exhibiting any of these symptoms, please report to a local theater or arts center as soon as possible.
Performers are standing by for immediate treatment.